Tuesday 14 December 2010

FIRST KISS


Not entirely sure what the original context of this issue is but the general theme seems to be "you never forget your first kiss". I know some of us are big romantic saps and would much rather roll with sentiments than not have anything to hold on to. As nice as that is, the issue of the first kiss is one i'm sure millions of other people would agree with me on.

Contrary to popular belief, you may not forget your first kiss but you never forget the others after that either. If you really want to be sentimental about the entire experience then here's a thought.........If no 2 people are the same and everyone is composed very differently from the other, wouldn't that mean that every kiss you share with someone new would be a "First Kiss" ?

The concept being, You may know what its like to kiss in a general sense but you do not know what its like kissing that particular person. It could be great, it could be really bad, it could be mediocre but its not really only about the lips touching.

Everything that leads up to touching lips is where the magic happens. Your thoughts, your emotions, your nervousness, your excitement, your fear, your longing and i guess your imagination. I'm quite sure we don't repeat fantasies using different actors/actresses, we kinda switch it up a little depending on who we are fantasizing about which automatically provides variety making every fantasy different and a first on that level. Which means our level of expectations before kissing someone for the first time automatically acts as a catalyst for a new and varied experience.

Unfortunately the theory concludes as a repeat occurrence suggests that it no longer counts as a first kiss between you and the person... By why bother with numbers right?...First, second, third, fourth...Think of ot like money, it only gets better the more digits you add right?


Grief !!

Sometimes life throws you some certain blows that leave you staggering in pain but most importantly immobilized by shock, paralysed by fear of the unknown and ridiculed by the very thoughts coursing through your brains.

You look up at the offender and you cant see past your pain, all you feel is anger and the wishful thinking that you could be a little more superhuman and drag him into the depths of despair that it so willingly dragged you into, crawling out in victory with your trophy on your right arm shouting, "Don't ever try that again".

Alas, this is not the time for your mind to be playing tricks on you, the pain wrenching your gut is all too real for this to be a comic book. So you reach down into your voice looking for strength and courage, you open your mouth but can only mutter through tears of agony..."why"?..."why me", "why him", "why her", "why now"? You ask "Couldn't you have missed your target by a quarter of an inch and given us more time to block or  duck?" Your questions don't make sense, the answers produce more confusion that clarity. You think to yourself, "i would never be able to stand again, this pain is just too much" !

Nothing ever prepares you for such a blow where you are singed down with a belly full of regret, moments that should have lasted longer, a life that should have been lived better, a tomorrow that doesn't look so possible any more and life ahead that has to be lived with an non-refillable hole.

How is it possible for one to have so many tears? How can breathing that was once so natural be so painful all of a sudden? How can one simple thought reduce you to joy, then sadness then grief then blankness? Suddenly familiar smells turn into memories, memories turn into pain and pain turns into tears. What is it about this blow that totally changes you? One single blow and everything you thought you ever knew has a question mark? Everyone you ever took for granted suddenly seems more valuable. People you never understood suddenly become transparent like you can see right through them.

You begin to notice sadness behind smiles, you know the difference between tears of joy and tears of pain, pictures become painful to look at, movies stab you in the heart, songs make you silent and only praying helps you sleep. NOO...This is no ordinary blow. Infact i'm starting to think someone ripped my heart out. i dont understand it. Why i am still breathing and yet feel so empty and blank inside? What is this? It's called "Grief".

Grief...Does it ever go away? NO. i dont think it does. But at some point it changes. Not certain whether its a conscious decision you make from not liking the feeling of being stabbed by every thought or whether time indeed helps you forget a little. I guess the weight of it all changes. Time probably turns it into something you can crawl under or possibly carry around like a brick in your pocket. After a while you forget about it and then you reach down into your pocket for something and there it would be. Sometimes it'd awful, other times it's wouldn't. I guess i'd have to let you know if that time ever comes.

One thing is for sure, whether in grief or in joy, memories are all you have at the end of the day. You learn to treasure them, through joy and through pain. In grief or in brief.