Trust Me Enough To Allow Me Have my Secrets

First time I heard this I felt a strange connection to it. I figured "yea, don't have your face all up in my business, just excercise some trust and know that I'm cool, I gotchu covered".

I had it up as my status for a while and the more I looked at it, the more stuff didn't add up. And as usual, the "complicant" in me.....just had to see how much I could complicate what is seemingly a simple and straight forward statement. Here's how it goes.

Trust me enough for me to have my secrets. That's as contradictory as any statement can get dont you think? If I can trust you then why do we need secrets? Infact, having secrets is the reason why I probably don't trust you isn't it?

Everything we are taught either in religion, socially, ethically or even morally tells us that "secrets hurt and honesty is the best policy".  'The truth is always bitter' people say but bitter tastes often have a way of getting washed off or replaced by other tastes or substances (overtime).

But there's something about secrets. Very interesting things actually about secrets. Secrets are like building castles in the sky for you and some other person to live in. Really, what you don't know cannot hurt you (while you don't know it) but when you do find out..... Imagine just opening the door to this wonderful castle you live in  and realizing that there's no ground beneath your feet..You're suspended in mid-air and someone has pulled the veil off your eyes just in time for you to watch yourself plunge / plummet / spiral into --------------------.

Okay...that's a little morbid but that's what secrets can do. They make you question everything you've ever known or heard come out of a persons mouth. You wonder whatelse they aren't telling you. A blink is no longer a blink, a cough is no longer a cough, 'nothing' now means 'there's something', you lend your trust out and it gets returned to you soiled.....

 But that's where secrets get a little interesting because Secrets supposedly 'protect' people too. How many times have you heard someone say "I didn't want you to worry". "I didn't want you to get upset". "You were better off not knowing".  This opinion I find abit hard to swallow because if its none of my business then by all means keep it. But if its something that directly affects me or has a bearing on me mentally, Emotionally or even physically then Its my business and automatically gives me the right to know. So that kinda offsets the secret balance abit.

There are secrets and then there are "secrets" but its a broad spectrum. I'd narrow down my thoughts to relationships. Nothing good ever comes of secrets that aren't short term in nature. e.g. Planning a suprise party, waiting a couple more weeks to say you're pregnant, or awaiting confirmation of a test result before you decide to tell or not tell your partner the diagnosis. I wouldn't even call those secrets, I'd call them "suprises" or "stalling".

If you're worried telling me your secret would make me change the way I feel about you....then it means I really didn't feel about you as much as I should In the first place. And as horrible as that sounds / is, its still my decision to make. Allow me make that decision. If its something in the past, I should be mature enough to call it what it is "past". If its in the present, it may take a little more time/maturity to fully embrace the situation but surely knowing the truth and having someone love you/ want to be with you regardless must be more satisfactory than feeling like you don't deserve every 'smile', ' I love you', or 'loving act' your partner gives because you have a
'secret'.

But then again, I think people confuse "privacy" with "secrecy". Choosing what I tell you or don't tell you about myself is "privacy" I think. While a secret is something you don't want someone to know or possibly ever find out. Admittedly, i know they walk a thin line but Sadly I understand the common denomination in both categories.

The human mind doesn't simply operate on the conscious alone. There's also the sub-conscious. What we hear when we are conscious is sometimes deeper understood or processed when we are unconscious and I think that's what most people are afraid of. If I tell you xyz about myself, would you consciously or unconsciously start to see me differently, respond to me negatively perhaps? Most people aren't willing to take that chance. Understandably so! But whether or not its the right thing to do.......I can't say. It may vary from situation to situation.

If it is constantly at the back of your mind to say something about something, .... You probably need to say something about that something. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst either ways, its probably still a better option than living a lie or being racked with guilt and never being able to enjoy to the full extent the happiness that you are being given.

Instead of "trust me enough to allow me have my secrets", maybe the right thing to say should be " I trust you enough to let you have all my secrets".

And if I don't..... Then you still have your answer anyways..
don't you?

Humans and Onions

Just like people say it's wrong to judge a book by its cover, i think its also important to think of people like onions.....Lol...okay that sounded a little wrong...but you know what i meant or you're soon to find out :)

I've come across alot of people in life who have misjudged me. Had the wrong opinion about me. Some good others kinda bad and for a long time, this really upset me but i realised....i am also guilty of the same crime.

On first glance, you never want to assume that someone's life is any different from what you see with your physical eyes. You see someone constantly flashing a smile and you think that person doesnt have a care in the world. Or you see someone spending alot of money and you think..i'd love to live that kind of life. You see someone who is dedicated to the church and could eat, sleep and breathe church if they had the chance. Then you see someone who is always the first person to work and the last person to leave and you think, that guy must really like his job. You never in a million years first think:

For the girl with smiles -------- i wonder how many tears she;s trying to fight back?
For the boy spending money --- i wonder how long he's been fighting to get some attention?
For the man dedicated to church ---- i wonder what he is searching for? or trying to get a pardon for?
For the woman always at work -- i wonder why her home doesnt feel like a home anymore?whats she avoiding?

I've met so many people who appear to have things all together on first glance...but then they give you a sneak peak into their lives and your questions take a different turn..such as "How do you keep on smiling?". People really are like onions. The more they remove their layers, the more you understand how many layers of cover-ups they have formed in order to deliver that smile you were so quick to run a commentary on.

PEACEFUL STORMS

so I dreamt we were chilling at my beach house with everyones cars packed outside toward the rear.

And all of a sudden the sea wasn't so calm but no one even feared

It was dark, lightening brightened the sky

Initially we thought this would soon pass by

Alas, There's  about to be a natural disaster we concluded

As the pool and sea baricades portruded

We were scrambling and tryna load up cars with people sorted into them.

Some silly chick was worried about her silly gowns helm......errmm??

I could see myself cross-checking everyone had a place in a car

until I reached the end and said "Hang-On! I'm in no ones car"

People still stood by the doors loading up back-packs

I noticed while I was slow-motion jugging trying to back track

They all paused to watch me re-trace my steps while whispering "my my those jeans are just too tight"

I remember thinking to myself "Damn you're right........"

Must have been very tight cuz even I know I was jugging funny

But help me understand why in d midst of such chaos, people remebered to be dummies?

I know its just a dream, but its hard to explain it

It was so peaceful wit dark clouds above head

Almost as if the lightening was a welcoming bed

People still chatted..I know...I was the one being ratted

We never left the scene simply becos we were to occupied "being"

It was indeed beatiful

The grey, the white, the blue all merged into the skies Hue

The wind, the trees, the breeze all forced and yet WE still with ease

Too many things going on I wanted to say

But I knew all too well it might be judgement day ....hehe

There was no future....no one thought about the past

Everyone just tried to make this moment last

Some people chose to stand

I ran as if to catch the band

You have your way of escape,

What are you doing waiting around to gape?

Trying to make sense of what that dream was

Too many pieces fit like flowers in a Vase

Then it dawned on me ... As I hit my knee

God provides peace in the storm

He let's you know its his norm

People would never understand what you have to do

And still have an opinion which may or may not be true

The peace may not have been meant for them... this is true

That is the only reason YOU noticed the sky had some grey, white and blue