Where do you begin to end?

I could sit around asking what the meaning of life is After the loss of a mother to breast cancer 4 years ago and the recent loss of a father to prostate cancer barely 3 weeks ago. I could sit and ask, really and truly, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? .

I believe We grieve because we realise we have lost someone and something we can never get back. We cry not because of yesterday but because of tomorrow. How do you say goodbye to someone you have known your entire existence. Howdo you go forward thinking of a life once planned with them playng active roles. Wher e do you even begin reconstructing new patterns of thinking. Where o where do you begin to end?

I can blame life for the pain in which case i would also have to blame choices, people, lifestyles, systems, protocols and processes. I can blame a great many people until i finally bring it home and blame MYSELF. Why wasnt i there enough? Why didnt i do enough? Why didnt i fight enough? Why didnt i say i love you enough? I should feel guilty enough about all the things i should have done and destroy my happiness for tomorrow because i feel guilty enough to stop living while i am alive.

You see, Life is a very many things, endless isnt one of them and the thing about pain and grief that i have come to understand is that at every stage both before and after you deal with emotions such as anger, regret, remorse, uncertainty, pessimism, cynicism, short term memory loss, several dark phases, emotionality of various kinds, and all sorts but the one place you seem to end up at is GRATITUDE.

True healing begins with GRATITUDE. When you stop to regret the things you didnt do and start to appreciate the little things you did do right. We forget that we DONT have to do anything. Kindness, listening, loving, caring. ....... Are all constant choices we make. To us doing them might be mechanical because we are use to it but to those we show love to, care for or help, we just have no idea how much what we do or give means.

We cannot change the past neither can we live in it but we can be gracious enough to embrace the time we shared, gave, utilized and have,memories because of.

I wouldnt lie to myself or you by saying the memories arent going to be painful. I wouldnt try to deceive you into thinking it is a smooth and bumpless road. I wouldnt even tell you time would heal your wounds or mend your broken heart. I would however tell you that gratitude is the only thing i have experienced that lightens my load and helps me get out of bed in the morning with a smile. Gratitude trumps remorse. It reminds you to enjoy this fleeting life. It encourages you to do better than you did last time and it gives you the grace to be different.

If we dont question God when good things happen, why then would we question him when the bad things do. If we dont award ourselves when good things happen, why would we chastize ourselves when bad things do.

Lonely Shadows

Lonely Shadows

When you hear the words ‘Lonely shadows’, you tend to think “DUH”…lol I am not speaking in literal terms.

A lonely shadow for me, refers to a state of mind or being where you are surrounded by people, emotions, fears, visions, optimisms and actions yet to be taken that you do not speak not because you have nothing to say but because you fear no one would ever understand.

I tried to figure out why is it that we always feel like we can never say words people will understand or perhaps appreciate? Is the human emotion so scary that fear of rejection, misunderstanding or misgiving are so powerful that we feel like we have no other choice but to feel alone in the midst of many?

The truth I came to discover is, not everyone understands what you are going through. Not everyone cares, not everyone will be there to comfort you and not everyone is sad you are where you are, faced with the challenges you are faced with. We realize that deep down inside, we are indeed alone.

 People may sympathize, people may genuinely be apologetic for your situation but their smiles and laughs would still be more easily accessible than yours would. Your tears would be more readily available than theirs and your open eyes would still be the only thing separating your conscious from your subconscious when you lay in bed at night.

Though our fears are not without cause, there is an undeniable relief that comes from saying some words… even if not all.

You see, initially when you are silent, you feel the world is caving in and fear no one would find your body under the ruble until it is too late.

When you eventually speak out, you feel relief that someone knows something and you don’t have to force a smile in the midst of tears or worry about keeping a straight face when all you want to do is breakdown and scream from all the pain.

Then you soon realize speaking out has its own baggage. The incessant calls, people always checking up on you thereby reminding you of moments in your life where you would either rather forget or would like to temporarily avoid.

It is usually at that point you are grateful for people who listen but don’t speak, who hear and then wait. Who allow you live your life without being dragged down by matters beyond your control. You then realize that some people can be your shadow.

They exist to remind you about the joys of living, they help you enjoy the little moments of bliss that exist even in the midst of pain. Those people, like silent partners, let you walk ahead with the knowledge that if you need to collapse, faint or throw your head back, they’d be there to catch you and support you.

Lonely shadows, a term I believe describes the darkest point in one’s life where you are holding on to your sanity, bliss or happiness in strips. That moment where the darkness is upon you but somewhere deep down inside, you realize even shadows need a bit of light to be acknowledged.

Lonely shadows, that moment where you realize even though your life, emotions or circumstances are dark, there is always a glimmer of light somewhere that encourages you to embrace seconds of laughter, seconds of love, seconds of caring that give you that extra ounce of strength you need to go one step further.

Lonely shadows, anyone who is there for you when all you need is silence and a friendly shoulder to cry on.

Lonely shadows … who is your lonely shadow?

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE FOR ME?

i was watching the movie "The Ledge" and i began to wonder, How does a wife justify having 2 children with her husbands younger brother because she found out he was infertile (told him his results were okay) ... and says "she knew how badly he wanted kids and she wanted to give him that ...but she also wanted them to look as close to him as possible (hence the brother)" ... Now i ask, IS THIS LOVE ... sacrificial love perhaps or just plain old -wear-your-head-backwards-stupidity-masked-as-common-sense?

My thoughts began to race as i discovered beyond his anger, surely he can see method in her madness, he must see that LOVE seemt to have been her only motivation (atleast the script didnt say otherwise).

BUT I SERIOUSLY WONDER, IS IT LOVE? Sacrificial love perhaps that would make a woman make such a decision all on her own, thinking, she was doing them both a favor? Is he happier knowing he cant father a child but has 2 children anyways? I fail to see the good but i struggle to call it bad too. 

She wants to give her husband something she desperately thinks he wants but she fails to put into consideration the variable nature of the human mind. He wants something she perceives to be ultimate ... but thats him thinking he can have it so he's chasing it. when evidence is provided to support him not being able to get it, temporary disappointment would set in and then as usual LIFE GOES ON.

i honestly believe her solution although carried out from a mindset of love, had a lot of holes. she should have made it ... HIS Decision... then it could be THEIR decision. What is he suppose to see everytime he looks at them kids? what is he going to see everytime he looks at her? heck what is he suppose to say to his brother who possibly was under the same notion that he was doing something good?

i think the moral of this story is NEVER THINK FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You yourself are variable enough as it is, why make someone elses wants and needs a FIXTURE? Married or not, your life is still your life and decisions affecting it should be respected as such