Emotions are fickle, wants are many, needs become essential and choices gain importance. Even though relationships are not as legit as an actual marriage agreement, same principles apply. You make a decision to love, respect and care for someone and you are expected to honor that decision even in times of uncertainty and manageable difficulty.
Unfaithfulness is a very many horrible things but the thought process on this write-up doesn't aim to condemn but wishes to understand better, the relationship between 'Cause and Effect'.
Personally, I think unfaithfulness isn't genetic, neither is it irreversible or uncontrollable. We sometimes give ourselves reasons or excuses that justify actions but we never roll the tape backwards enough to understand why we made the decisions we did to end up at the point where we need excuses for justification.
Unfaithfulness isn't kind, thoughtful or acceptable and is possibly selfishness at its best BUT it also seems to be the adult version of a cry for HELP.
So often we roll head first into relationships that provide us with what we want here and now and also what we think we would want once our needs change alittle bit but what we fail to adequately gauge is how well we communicate those aspirations and how likely the "okay for today" person would fair when tomorrow comes around. Mr Maslow ...where ya at? We might need to get you in on this.
Maslow's Hierarchy of needs provides us with a generally accepted representation of what each individual perceives to be of personal importance at various stages of self-development. The lowest levels of the pyramid are made up of the most basic needs including food, water, sleep and warmth. Once these lower-level needs have been met, people can move on to the next level of needs, which are for safety and security.
The middle levels of the pyramid delve further into psychological and social needs such as the need for love, friendship and intimacy. At the top level of the pyramid, the need for personal esteem and feelings of accomplishment take priority. Maslow emphasized the importance of self-actualization, which is a process of growing and developing as a person to achieve individual potential.
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One thing I've come to discover about the difference between individuality and duality when it comes to Maslow's hierarchy is that when we stand as individuals, we follow the hierarchy almost stage by stage as we grow and different things take precedence in our thoughts. But when it comes to relationships, stages seem to seize to exist.
We still crave food, water, sleep and warmth but now we don't crave it in isolation. We look forward to candle light dinners, sleepovers, coed showers and the kind of warmth that usually only a human can stir up from the inside. Our need for safety and security gets expanded from physical to encompass emotional. Knowing someone somewhere loves you, wants you, cares about you and would do just about anything for you. You feel secure, you feel at peace like your heart has been locked away in a private vault for safe keeping. All this is evident in the need for love, friendship and intimacy which ultimately helps boost personal esteem and feelings of accomplishment.
We dont choose partners without gauging thier ability to give us all the above. its important to a healthy relationship to having that feeling of warmth, understanding, caring and all the things that create that blanket of safety, emotional security and self-appreciation. You basically get to see yourself through another persons eyes and their willingness to care for you and love you inspite of You. Choosing that right partner allows fluid transitions between each stage as often as it needs to be revisited BUT having needs unmet and stages uncompleted is where I believe unfaithfulness plants that unpretty seed. A relationship without warmth, intimacy, love or friendship is no relationship at all. Neither can love be love in all its splendour without food or water.
I guess where my thoughts are heading signify a section of possibilities that suggest that when people are unfaithful, sometimes its because they are still lacking something that they crave, want or need which still leaves them feeling incomplete even though they have someone giving them 80% of what they require.
Unfaithfulness is a choice. That's probably why its that much harder to forgive. If you didn't think about me at all before you acted, therein lies a big problem. If you thought about me long enough to still act, therein lies a bigger problem. If the thought of me or losing me, wasn't sufficient enough to stop you from acting... Then what are we doing? We shouldn't even be together.
Communication and actions really do go hand in hand. Words backed up by actions or actions re-affirmed by words; play a huge part in an individuals feeling of safety, security, intimacy, warmth or self-appreciation.
Have you communicated what you need?
Have you expressed your satisfactions and dissatisfactions?
Is he/she paying attention and willing to change?
Can you see evidences of change /adjustment no matter how little?
Is your happiness not worth exercising alittle more patience over?
Nobody is perfect and more importantly nobody is telepathic. Some people do need to hear words from your lips to guide them on how to love you, care for you or be there for you. Every relationship has the honeymoon phase where no one can do any wrong and even little things can be overlooked. Why not try to recreate that with the person you have? Afterall you know what they say about old wood .... It lights quicker! Lol
Try asking nicely for what you want or better yet, communicating your emotional turmoil in the most manly yet feminine way possible (that goes for men and women. Women scream too much so info gets lost in transit. While men go too direct. Alittle bit of emotion, less screaming and problem-solving cap is just what the doctor orders).
If you ask and your partner responds, alittle bit or a lot, It means they care. Appreciate the effort, be the loudest screaming fan and let your appreciation encourage them to do more
If you ask and no response ... That is still a response. It means they don't care about what you want. If you're in a position to move on then do.
Either ways, unfaithfulness stems from a need, a need we clearly want satisfied. if you have to guide, wear bells, adorn neon signs or trafficate till your lights burn out .....I think its worth the try. Sometimes it may kill the euphoria of being given it freely but Your happiness deserves the investment of a trial.
Just like a student chef, the master chef teaches you how to throw things together in a pot and make it work. Once you understand it and how different things react, you get adventurous and soon engage in personalized mixing and matching of pleasure spices and love potions...
I'm sure if you gave him/her a chance, they just might serve you the dish of love in a way EVEN YOU didn't know you wanted to be served!
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